CAST OF CHARACTERS
Larry, age 55
Don, the boss
Bill, a coworker
John, the new guy
SETTING: Larry and Don are eating lunch in the company cafeteria
DON: So what was your takeaway from this morning's meeting, Larry?
LARRY: I think we need to ramp up our efforts and produce more deliverables.
DON: Well said.
(Mary and John approach.)
MARY: Hi guys. Mind if we join you?
DON: Have a seat.
(Mary and John sit down.)
MARY: Have you two met John?
DON: Yep, I’m the sucker that hired him! John, this is Larry. Larry manages the company’s pension fund.
JOHN: Wow, that’s a lot of pressure. How do you handle it?
LARRY: One word. Ham.
JOHN: What?
LARRY: You heard me. Ham.
JOHN: Ham?
LARRY: Ham.
MARY: (using hands to make quotation marks around the word “aficionado”) Larry’s a bit of a ham aficionado.
DON: That’s right. If you ever want to know anything about ham, Larry’s your man.
JOHN: I don’t understand…
LARRY: It’s pretty simple really.
DON: What could be simpler than ham?
LARRY: You see, I spend all day thinking about things like interest rates, net present values and lump sum payments… Oh, it’s fascinating work, but I discovered long ago that I needed something more…something to be passionate about to really keep me going. And for me, it was ham.
JOHN: Ham?
LARRY: Ham.
DON and MARY: Ham!
JOHN: That’s…interesting.
MARY: Tell John about that ham you bought in Missouri that one time.
DON: I love this story.
LARRY: Oh, John doesn’t want to hear about a ham I bought in Missouri.
JOHN: Yeah, I don’t think…
DON and MARY: Oh come on! Tell it! Tell it!
LARRY: Okay! Okay! Settle down. I’ll tell it! Here goes: Well, the wife and I are always on the lookout for a good ham, and a couple of summers ago on our way back from the annual Ozark HamFest, we stopped off at this place in Missouri that sells salted hams. I bought a fifteen-pound ham and put the ham in the trunk…
DON: (mock incredulity) You put the ham in the trunk?!
LARRY: Yep, I put the ham in the trunk (with a knowing tone) because everybody knows a salted ham will keep. So I put the ham in the trunk and the wife and I drove that ham all the way back here to our place in Plainfield.
DON: Tell him how many miles it was.
LARRY: It was 428 miles.
DON: (in awe) …428 miles…
LARRY: After that, we soaked the ham—you have to soak a salted ham…
MARY: …to get the salt out…
LARRY: …that’s right. So we soaked the ham overnight, then the next day we boiled that ham, sliced it into ham slices, and made ham sandwiches. Boy, let me tell you, that was good ham.
DON: Man, I love that story. Makes me want to eat some ham right now.
LARRY: You said it, boss.
JOHN: That’s it? That’s the ham story?
LARRY: That’s it. Why?
JOHN: Well, most stories have some mystery or adventure or intrigue or something. You know…something more than just buying a ham and eating it.
DON: You didn’t like the ham story?
JOHN: It’s not that I didn’t like it...
MARY: It could have been a bad ham.
DON: What?
MARY: It could have been a bad ham. That would have added some intrigue.
LARRY: If it had been a bad ham, I wouldn’t have eaten it.
MARY: Oh yeah.
DON: I think the ham story had plenty of intrigue. Some people just don’t get it, that’s all.
JOHN: I’m sorry. I was just expecting…
MARY: (embarrassed) Come on, John. We’d better get back to work.
JOHN: Okay.
(Mary and John get up to leave.)
MARY: (to Larry and Don) We’ll see you later, guys.
DON and LARRY: Okay.
(Mary and John exit.)
DON: I don’t know about that new guy.
LARRY: Give him time, boss. Remember what I was like? Before I discovered ham?
DON: Yeah, you’re right, Larry. We’ll give him time. In the end, that’s all we’ve got, isn’t it?
LARRY: That…and ham.
DON: (Chuckles) You and your ham!
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Did ham get you through Nicor?
ReplyDeleteNo, it didn't work for me. I had to leave Nicor. But it worked for Larry. (Yes, there really is a Larry.) He made it through Nicor and is now retired and raising cattle (not pigs!) in the Ozarks.
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